Oh, Sleep, where art thou?

When my dad's dogs had a litter of puppies last month, and we decided it would be a good idea to get one for the kids, I had forgotten how much was involved when you bring one of these little shits home.

I'm suffering from a lack of sleep. I like sleep. Sleep is fucking lovely. I miss that bitch called sleep...so much! Since I live in Louisiana, we're not having much of a winter. Yet. But the first night we had our new boxer baby, Duke, a cold front blew through, and when I brought him outside to do his business at 2:30 a.m., it was cold. Like 20 degrees colder than it was when I'd brought him out just 2 hours earlier. And all I could think of was, "This is just a cold front...what the HELL am I gonna do when winter finally comes to the South, and I'm fuh-reezing...for real?"

Anyway, he's a good puppy. Very playful, and super cute. But I'm tired (pun, intended) of getting up every two hours to bring his ass outside! He better love me the most!



Awwwww....

"They were hemmed up like a pair of pants in the 70's!"

So, I got this email forwarded, and I must say it's the funniest thing I've read in a long time. The original poster is one funny guy.


Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife's grandfather. While my wife's brother and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:



A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:


Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:


There's plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I'm not going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to bore you with something else. The clothes.

The clothes are fantastic.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:


Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in high school:


This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here's how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:

This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it's slightly more effective as a deterrent against ass-rapery.

Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:

If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.

Here's how to get your ass kicked at the beach:

He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

How to get your ass kicked in a meeting:

If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.

How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day

Dear God in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.

As does your search for chest hair.

And this -- Seriously. No words.

Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are: What. The. Fuck. I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I'm guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?




I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled "Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best."


And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."


Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:


I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it's the colors. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:


Man, that's sexy.

Halloween's coming!

My hand's cramped up from carving a pumpkin today, and I've got another one to do.

Pumpkin number one:


We've got the costumes ready. You already know that Kennedy is going as a geisha.

Boy will be Joe Dirt.


Rhiannon is Little Red Riding Hood.


Can't wait to hog the kids' candy! Bwahahahaahaaa

Shot Pong, the 13th Gate, and internet friends

So, last weekend, Blaine and I went to Baton Rouge to meet some girls I've been posting on an awesome message board with for 4+ years. Jen drove in from The Woodlands, TX, and then we headed to Niki's house near Baton Rouge.

We had so much fun...drinking and cutting up during dinner. We went to a haunted house called "The 13th Gate" and had the doo-doo scared out of us. I threw my drink (accidentally, I swear) on a cop while waiting in line. He was pissed...oh well, he should have let me hold on to it until we got closer to the entrance! I caught a charlie horse in my calf as we got back in the car, and it was all caught on video.



Then we ended up back at Niki and Mike's for a round of beer pong. I don't drink beer, so we improvised and used Malibu and pineapple juice in each cup. Yum. I must say that Jen and I kicked ASS!

And LSU made a comeback during their game and beat Auburn.

Woke up the next morning a little hungover, and had beignets and went shopping!

All in all it was a blast, and I can't wait to do it again!

My little "China gull"

Kennedy is the only one of my kids that has any idea of what she wants to be for Halloween. She originally chose a devil, but I told her she couldn't be something she already was every day. So, when she saw this costume, she had to have it.

"I want to be a China gull," she told me.



My gull...I mean, girl...looks so sweet here. I've become appreciative of being able to capture innocent moments like this on camera!

Smells like Teen Spirit?

No. It smells like Secret Platinum Jasmine Orient scent.

What's that delightful smell? Why, it's my pits, of course! My new deodorant is awesome. I didn't have a problem with the body odor before, but with this, I can be sure I won't! I do the stretch and reach just to get a whiff of my splendid armpits numerous times a day.

Mmmmmmm.

Hey! Speak Engrish!

"Herro! Weh-come to China Wok! You prace orduh?"

"Um, no, I'm here to pick up an order I called in...for Kim."

"Okay, you buy nudduh egg-row?"

"No, ma'am. Just the General Chicken and the egg roll that comes with it. Thank you."

Her husband comes up and they start speaking to each other and they each giggle a little. I wish I could understand them! I know they're talking about me! Probably saying, "Oh, she thinks she's getting General Chicken, but it's really our neighbor's cat! Ah ha ha ha." Fuckers.

I'm gonna learn the language one day.

That way, when I go get a pedicure and the little Asian women start chattering back and forth about how overdue my feet were for said pedicure; how they need more tools; or how they should raise their prices because of feet like mine, I can tell them, "I know what you just said, Ming-Ling and Mai-Tai! And there went your tip!"

This video fits here: